When people talk about divorce, they usually talk about the red flags. Abuse, betrayal, lies, indifference—whatever it may be. But I’ve learned that flags come in many colors. Some are obvious, others are subtle. Some wave in your face before marriage, others creep in quietly during, and a few—believe it or not—show up after the divorce papers are signed.
Pre-Divorce Flags: Good vs. Right
My pre-divorce flags weren’t about goodness. You see, a person can be good, but not right for you. That’s a hard pill to swallow because “good” is visible, admirable, and affirming. But deep down—beneath the beauty, beneath the mid-layer comfort—there was always this 1% whisper that said, “Something is off. This isn’t right.”
And what did I do with that whisper? I hushed it. I told myself, “Oh, this is easy. I am highly influential. I can manage this.” I convinced myself that I could turn influence into alignment. But influence doesn’t change incompatibility. And I paid for it.
During-Divorce Flags: The Avalanche
Then came the avalanche. During the marriage, the flags were too many to count. They piled up, layer after layer—more numerous than I can recount in one sitting. I’ll share some of them as we move along in this series. But let me just say this: during-divorce flags are the ones that drain you the most, because you don’t just see them—you live with them. They show up in daily decisions, in silences, in patterns of hurt. They become your wallpaper.
Now here’s where it gets interesting. People don’t talk enough about post-divorce flags. Yes, they exist.
Post-Divorce Flags: The Uncommon Kind
They wave high after the papers are signed, when you’re raw and in fresh pain from “all-manner-of-ship” that has ended—relationship, partnership, fellowship, companionship. And in that rawness, those flags can shock you.
For me, post-divorce flags showed up as wake-up calls. They forced me to re-take my decisions immediately: to review avenues of abuse I had once tolerated, to cut ties even further (especially access), and to enforce boundaries that had long been overdue. Post-divorce flags reminded me that closure is not a one-time event; it is a process of tightening, clarifying, and refusing to reopen doors that once led to chaos.
The flags taught me to face myself, acknowledge where I looked away, but the Holy Spirit is my ultimate Teacher.
